So many thoughts....

So many thoughts....in my head. I am supposed to be writing a blog that will go up on our website for the Atlanta ATF, this is my chance to speak to the people that look at our site, and for once in my life, I am at a loss for words!

*sigh*

In other news, I am back in Texas at the Honor Academy. I am glad to be back, though I know this next season in my life will be tough and challenging and stretching, if I remember correctly that's why I came here ;)

I'm in a weird mood. Probably because I need to go have ny quiet time, but even more than that, I am just realizing how so many little conflicts or disagreements get turned into big deals, when really all you need to do is die to yourself--> myself included. I am so done arguing over things that don't matter! It's so much easier to serve another person than be selfish (easier in the long run, not in the moment).

God has been showing me a lot lately about my future at the HA. I will plan on staying another year as both a Core Advisor and the Director of the Atlanta ATF (this is all in plan, nothing is for sure or confirmed). This in and of itself will be challenging but I know that I can do so much more than I am currently doing. So because of that I will also be taking all classes offered (8 hours or so) and also working (31 hours) and doing the IET (Intensive Elective Training) program. I hope that this will prepare me for the next season of my life, in removing the limits I place on myself and teaching me how to not stress out over things I cannot control.

Hope you all are doing well!

~standing on His promises~
CaseyMay

Not about me

The last four months, while attending the Honor Academy, have taught me a lot about how the world works. The truth is, life, believe it or not, is not about me.

The homeless man on the street, my family, my friends, the girl working the corner, the waitress, the CEO, the unreached people, the high schooler, the world...they don't need me. I am not going to meet their need. They need love. That is something that only God truly can give. My love, (or version of it) will not save or protect people. God's love, perfect and true, is what they need. I can be a vessel for God's love, but to do that I must be emptied of myself. I must die to myself, and live for God, loving Him and loving others.

I have learned so much these last four months, and I will learn so much more in the coming eight months or so.

I spoke to my old youth pastor and he pointed something out about me that had changed. He told me that when he sees me, he can tell my spirit is so free. And I thought about it, and he is right. Before I left for the Honor Academy, I was so weighed down by lies and by the limitations I had set on myself. However, now I am free, I love to love, and I am who God created me to be.

I wish I could tell you all of the lessons I have learned, but that would be a book, not a blog. ;)

Remember that only God is the one who can define you. I would encourage you to read the book "Special" by Max Lucado (I believe that's the correct title). Find out who God says you are, stick to it, and don't believe the lies any longer. Be set free. And above all else stand on His promises, He never breaks them.

~standing on His Promises~
CaseyMay

Home? Lewiston or Garden Valley? Homeless??

Home. I think that's where I am...I am in my old place of residence, with my family. Back in the same small river town, with people that love me so very much. But this doesn't feel like home anymore. The people do, I think that's the only reason I come back.

The Honor Academy. Home? Temporarily. Again, its the people that keep me there. My family core, my good friends, my team. That's why it's home.

But niether of these "homes" are really mine. My home is somewhere, I'm not sure where though.

Over the past four months I have learned so much. I am a changed woman, and yes I am a woman now, no longer a girl, but a woman. I am striving to be a Godly woman, a woman of honor and love.

Being back home in the valley, has shown me a lot and it's with a heavy heart that I have come to realize that I will not be moving back here after the Honor Academy. My heart is heavy because the people I love and have lived life with are here. There was a point in life when I said I would never leave, and shortly after I said that I left. And now I am not coming back, to live.

God's plans for me are bigger than this valley, He has called me elsewhere. I am praying for the right time to tell my parents, it probably won't be until the spring or summer when it's closer to graduation.

8 months. That's all I have left. But those 8 months are going to grow me so much. Mountian Climbing, Unreached People Group, Celebreations, Atlanta ATF, Missions Trip, and so much more.

I am changed. And the voice of the Shepherd leads me, to no other voice will I run.

~standing on His Promise~
Casey May

SURPRISE!!!!

I'M HOME!!!By the grace and mercy of God I was able to come home and surprise my family and best friend, for Thanksgiving. They were so suprised! My Daddy picked me up at the airport at 11:30am and drove me home. I went into the house behind him, and my mom looked at me for a second then went back to cleaning! My Dad said, "Honey, there's some one standing by the door." She looked again and actually saw me! She screamed and then cried as she hugged me. My sisters soon followed. After spending sometime with them, I went to SamanthaMarie's house. That was one of the best surprises ever!

I called her, and talked with her like normal, (thinking I was still in Texas). I knocked on her door. While still talking with me on the phone, she asks "who is it?". Of course, I can't answer. She slowly opens the door. And then steps back and says, "Are you really here right now?!" Looking back at her phone. It was great!

It is so surreal being back at home, it's like I never left, but at the same time, I know I'll be leaving on Sunday morning. SamanthaMarie and I have kept in touch so well, and my family as well. *sigh* God is good. I have missed home so much. Yet I miss the HA a little too. Balance. God has a plan for me, and I am so glad. This is so good for my Mom, she has missed me so much.

More than likely the next 4 days will be spent with little sleep, but lots of memories. (Did I mention I have a final when I get back?)

God is such a great Daddy-He gives great gifts. (Pictures coming soon)

~standing on His Promise~
CaseyMay

I'm still here :)

Sorry that it's taken me so long to update and sadly, I don't have much time so this won't be too long.

I am working hard here at the HA, though we have been under heavy spiritual attack. I have definatley been learning the power of prayer and loving even when you do not want to. I have so much to tell you! 2 weeks ago I completed a 3 day fast and I had some revelation coming out of that. This will be the topic of my next blog. Also please feel free to add me on facebook, I have loads of pictures and updates on there. If you have trouble finging me let me know or if you follow Pamela (Pen to Paper, Spirit to Soul) then you can ask her as well.

I am praying for you all and will go check out your blogs soon!

~standing on His Promises~
CaseyMay

The Greatest Love

*I wish I could read you this out loud so you could get the full effect but I don't know how to do that*

"The Greatest Love"
by CaseyMay

There are many symbols of love.

The heart,
pink or red, whole and passionate,
but made to be broken.

Flowers,
colorful, beautiful, fragrant,
but withers in days.

Chocolate,
sweet, smooth and rich,
but runs out all too soon.

The ring,
A young woman's most sought after possession,
A beautiful ring that means "I'll love you forever",
expensive, beautiful, forever,
but alas,
there are trials and tribulations, the dreaded drain in the sink, and hurt feelings

So which is the greatest symbol of love?
The Cross
Rugged and bloodstained,
Where the greatest act of love was displayed for all to see,
Jesus, Son of God, blameless, Holy, Lamb of God,
broken, beaten and punished,
for your sins.
Scourged, mocked, beaten carried His own cross to His death,
Then nailed to it through His hands and His feet.
Hanging there for you,
So that you may choose life everlasting,
Yet knowing that you may never choose Him.
There He died, a slow, painful death,
the weight of your sins on His shoulders.

The Cross-
Who will take that for you?
Your best friend?
Your Family?
Or even your husband?
No-not even them.

What will you do for the One who gave it all for you?
Will you give your life to Him?
Will you serve Him and others?
Will you give up your own desires?

What wouldn't you do for the One who saved you?

He gave everything,
Isn't it only fair that you do the same?

*just one thing I leanred from my fast*

~standing on His Promise~
CaseyMay

Around the Mountain AGAIN

Well Friends, I am again going around the mountain. I am wrestling with God and fighting Him. I am trying to work throuh some deep issues and emotional dependence. I am forcing myself, for a week, to not talk about how I am feeling with anyone bu t God, I wish I could tell you how hard that is for me. So I will not be using this for an outlet either, please pray for me as I wrestle with God, pray that He quickly wins and that I surrender to His truth and abandon the lies I have been holding onto.

Hope everything is going well!

~standing on His Promise~

CaseyMay

So much wondering

I'm sorry it's taken me so long to update, I will be writing about ESOAL soon, but right now there is another thing pressed upon my heart.

I am so confused right now, which more than likely is exactly where God wants me. I have been learning so much about how to battle my flesh (sinful nature) it is so much harder than it sounds. When you are tempted and you have the choice to indulge or to walk away, your flesh screams out "DO IT" and your spirit cries out "WALK AWAY". You are conflicted. Will you choose what "feels" or "sounds" good or right in the moment, or will you choose to die to yourself and walk away knowing your reward is eternal.

This is SO hard for me. I am struggling with a lot of the lies I have believed and that continue to surface. I am faced everyday with the choice, to live for God or to live for my flesh, this question arises multiple times daily.

I am being forced to confront my past, my present, my future and my sin. It stares me in the face, and forces me to look, it's ugly and unpleasent and painful.

Who will I serve? My flesh or my God?

Only time will tell....

Time is one thing I fear can run out at any moment, and there is so much more I want to know...patience?

*sigh*

~standing on His Promise~
CaseyMay

The HA Rollercoaster

So, here at the HA we are preparing for our first LTE (life transforming event) called ESOAL (emotionally stretching opportunity of a lifetime). This is why I have been getting up at 4:30 AM Monday through Friday to go train for ESOAL. We are learning that emotions shouldn't and don't control you. This is what ESOAL is all about you can check out the link below to see the video and I promise it looks worse than it is (I have talked to past ESOAL participants about this)

http://www.honoracademy.com/esoal.php

In light of my previous blog, I am learning that emotions don't dictate my decisions. I am fighting my feelings of homesickness as much as I would LOVE to go back home, I know that I MUST stay here for now. And as much as I would LOVE LOVE LOVE for my SamanthaMarie to come down and save me, I can't let her because God, for some reason, wants me to work through this, and one of my biggest issues is that I don't like being alone. So He is continuing to refine me and help me work through things.

Thank you all so much for your prayers and encouragement. Please keep me in your prayers ESPECIALLY during ESOAL Spet 18-22nd (we don't know when it officially ends, and I could ring out before it ends, but let's hope not!)

Love you all!
~standing on His Promise~
CaseyMay

Homesick

So I am sitting here at a computer, seeing what's going on in other people's lives back home and I am begining to realize that life as I knew it is moving on without me.

I so badly want to go back home and say "Hey! Everyone Remember ME!" Turns out it's hard to maintain relationships from 2000 miles away sustained on only phone calls that seem to recently be filled with akward silience.

I want to go home. My heart is sad, I want my old life back, my family, my best friend, my job, my church. I just want things to be normal and comfortable. I want to go back to sharing a room with only 1 person instead of 5, and to share an actual bathroom instead of a community one. I want hugs and back rubs and smiles and a safe place to just be me.

I want to stay here because I am getting closer to God, but I hate that I feel so alone here and so seperated from eveyone. I am going to spend my birthday away from my sisters next Friday. I will not be going out to dinner with my family to celebrate, instead I will get up at 4:30 AM for corporate exercise, then go to work and have dinner in the cafeteria with my core. I will not have my family or my best friend, or a birthday cake (I may have one on Saturday).

I didn't know it would be this hard.

The life I knew is not the life I know anymore. They say change is good. But I say change is painful.

*bleh*
~standing on His Promise~
CaseyMay

Learning

Wow.

God is really teaching me a lot of things. One thing He has been impressing upon my heart is being real---admitting and acknowledging my past failures and mistake, those times that weren't so pretty, that were down right disgusting. That is so hard for me, maybe it's a pride thing, maybe it's trust, or maybe it because it's hard and uncomfortable.

If there is one thing I know, it's that God is certainly not going to let me be comfortable this year.

I am getting up at 4:30 AM to exercise Mon-Fri, not by choice, Mr. Hasz calls it worship, and I am beginning to see why. It is there every morning in the dark, still, quiet morning that I beat and crucify my flesh, where I push myself as hard as I can, relying on God's strength instead of my own-this is my act of worship. We exercise on what they call the anvil- and this word brings a visual image to my mind. A metal worker taking a red hot iron out of the fire, placing it on the anvil, and pounding it with a hammer to mold it and shape it. The clang on the metal rings in my ears as I run every morning. God is the metal worker and I am the iron. Refinement hurts but it is worth it. It is the only way to become more like Christ.

I am searching for my identity in Christ. I have discovered so many things that I have believed that are lies from the enemy. Some I didn't even know about. It was then that I realized-apart from the lies, I really don't know who I am. I have believed these things for so long, but now I am replacing them with the TRUTH- God's word.

So much more is happening, bu t I couldn't begin to tell you all of it because it would take up way to much room and time. I hope and pray y'all are doing well and I thank you so much for all you have done for me.
~standing on His Promise~
CaseyMay

A change of the most glorious kind

Hey everyone!

So here I am in Graden Valley, Texas at the Honor Academy. I am sitting in the cafeteria and I am just so still in my spirit.

In the past 3 days (which have been SO packed it feels like 10 days!) I have already grown so much in my relationship with the Lord, I wish y'all could see my face, I think I'm glowing :)

God has something so BIG planned for me, I'm not sure what it is but I don't need to know either! SO my heart's cry this year is to be completely broken by God, to the point where my every action and deed reflects Him and all the glory is His and that I rely FULLY on Him, for my everything. Every breath, every thought, every tear, every word, every step, EVERYTHING.

I love you all and I will update when I have time, (by the way my roommates are awesome!) it may not be until Saturday.

~standing on His Promise~
CaseyMay

Just for the record

Just for the record...

There are some words that when put in perfect order feel like knives in your heart

good-bye

i will miss you

I never want to say these words again or hear them.

Yet this is just the begining

They say my life has just begun

but

I feel like I'm dying

~standing on His Promise~(it's worth it?)

CaseyMay

Dreaming, Dancing, Drifting

In 2 days I will get on a plane at 6am and move to Texas and I couldn't be more excited. :)

Some might call this denial...

but I call it dreaming.

Dreaming of all the things I have not seen

Dreaming of the adventure that awaits me

Dreaming of the person I will become

Dreaming of the God I will fall in love with

Dreaming of the unknown

Dancing...

Dancing for joy

Dancing in the rain

Dancing to wind chimes

Dancing for my Jesus

Drifting...

Drifting away from people

I thought it would be harder

Yet I'm finding I'm at peace

This is a part of my life

I have already grieved

Now all the drifting I will do

Is drifting towards my dreams

Daring...

Daring to dance

Daring to dream

Daring to drift

Daring to leap

Daring to let go

Daring to be vunerable

Daring to start over

Daring to follow God

Daring to answer the Call

Daring to GO

~standing on His Promise~

CaseyMay

A few more days

2 1/2 Days

$161 needed

1 GREAT GOD

More details to come....

~standing on His Promise~

CaseyMay

all that's left

5 days

$700 needed

1 BIG God

Waiting Patiently

~standing on His Promise~

CaseyMay

As I Lay Here

"I'm so glad you're my best friend"

Her words pierced the silent room

pierced.

We watched The Passion of the Christ earlier that day.

"Greater love has no one than this,

that he lay down his life for his friends." John 15:13

Lay down my life...

He laid down His life for me

Lay down my life...

Pierced for my transgressions

Lay down my life...

He calls me Friend

Lay down my life...

She calls me Best Friend

Sleeping peacefully next to me was my best friend. She lays down her life for me. She invests in me, her time, talents, treasures, she shares it all with me. She sacrifices her needs/wants/desires to spend time with me-daily. Whether its a phone call, text message or actual face time.

Sometimes I am so selfish.

So unworthy

So ungrateful

Sometimes I forget all the good

all the laughter

all the joy

the memories

and the love

I have been shown.

A best friend:
-makes time for you
-laughs when you have one shoe on backwards
-touches you (back rubs and amazing hugs)
-laughs when you both get her age wrong
-goes on walks with you just because
-doesn't let anything get in the way of your friendship
-breaks down your walls
-asks you the hard questions
-prays with you
-gives of themselves
-loves you
-lays down their life for you

Everyday She looks more like Jesus.

~standing on His Promise~

CaseyMay

Mexico PART 1

Hey everyone! I got back from Mexico at 3 am this morning. What an experience, I must say words and pictures do not do it any justice. This will have to be a series because it was so complex and filled with emotions.

This was my first time on a airplane! But I must say it was a very good experience, the view was amazing!

The first day(monday) was mainly a travel day we left town at 2:30 AM and arrived in Mexico at 5:05 pm. Mexico is so humid! It's like a sauna! From there we went to the church where we ate dinner and got our "orientation" so to speak. It was a LONG day to say the least.

Tuesday we got the opportunity to go to the dump and pass out bags of food to the people that lived there. I forgot to bring my camera but the poverty in that area was unbelievable. After passing out the bags we did a children's program and then played with kids. They had nothing, yet they were so happy! It was so amazing.

I had the opportunity to call home Tuesday morning, it had only been a day and I already missed them. As I talked to them on the phone I realized that this is what it was going to be like. Limited to phone calls for communication. I wish they could have been there. I went and sat on the beach Monday night and I so wished that Samantha was there to experience it in with me.

That night we opened the session with worship and I knew that there was something in the way between me and God. I began to pray and ask God to show me what it was. And of course, He did. I had to take a hard look in the mirror and I did not like it.

I was angry. VERY angry. I was mad at God because He was asking me to leave the people I love the most. As my true feelings started to surface I began to tear up, quickly wiping away the tears of hurt feelings and anger, worship ended and our speaker started. Glenn started talking about community, and that we need 3 things to strengthen us. A mentor, an Accountablity partner, and a family (paraphrase). All those things that I currently have. That just made me more upset. I was sitting in a room with 100 othe people and I felt so alone, so completely alone. A minute after I thought that, Glenn said "Have you ever been in a room full of people and felt completely alone? Maybe some of you feel that way right now..." That did me in, tears roled down my cheeks and I tried so hard to keep it together.

Lara(see pic) saw that I was having some trouble and moved her chair next to mine. She put her arm around me and I put my head on her shoulder. She asked me if I wanted to talk and have her pray for me. We got up and walked to the back of the room, by this time I was sobbing. We sat on the couch and I started to pour out my heart. I was angry and mad that God ask me to leave my community, and the people I love the most. And I felt guilty for feeling that way and it's just not fair. She held me and encouraged me reminding me that its ok to feel that way and that God has promised to take care of me. She let me cry my heart out, which was something I had been needing to do for a long time. I told her of my feelings with my parents and the hurt I experienced before I left. After talking and praying we met our group and they also wanted to pray for me. They put a chair in the middle of the circle and laid hands on me and began to pray over me. It was then that I felt the peace and the mending of my broken heart begin.

When I asked God to break my heart into 85 million pieces, I didn't think that was His plan. My heart was broken, for my family, but mostly for Samantha. The thought of not being able to share (physically) the most important experiences of my life with her really upset me. Not being able to have her sitting next to me on the beach as we watch the waves crash against the sand, not having a 1 minute drive to her house to escape, not getting amazing hugs that squeeze the breathe out of me, not having her to cry with or to pray with or to just be with.

But God gently reminds me that there will be a blessing if I can just keep running towards Him and His voice and that He promises to take care of both of us and make a way for us to grow even closer despite the difference.

~standing on His Promise~

CaseyMay

Off to Mexico

I'm leaving in a few hours for Mexico! Please keep me and my team in your prayer as we go and be the hands and feet of Jesus, we'll be back in 6 days

Until then.....

~standing on His Promises~
CaseyMay

Running the Race

So....I have started running with Samantha & its going better than I thought. I haven't been in too much pain just some soreness.


Well today we went running for the 2nd time and I was dragging-my legs were sore and my lungs were tight. I was slightly frustrated that I wasn't doing as well as I did the first time but Samantha was very encouraging and we kept going. On our 4th lap she sat out because she had a blister but told me that I needed to do one more lap-by myself.


I was not excited to be running by myself. So I began to pray for strength because I wanted to finish strong. So I started out slow and began to keep pushing harder. I remembered the verse I used when I spoke on patience at our women's retreat.
Hebrews 10:36

On the last leg of the race I had to pray and push a lot,my legs screamed in pain and my lungs burned, but I had to finish I couldn't give up. So I pushed myself as hard as I could and when I crossed the line I broke down and sobbed.



Hebrews 10:36
Patient endurance is what you need now so that you will continue to do the will of God, then you will receive all that He has promised.


Right now I am on my last leg of this season or chapter. And its hard. I'm tired and with all I am I don't want to finish. You've 'heard' me say it before. I'm not strong enough to move away. And just like that last lap I didn't want to do it and I wasn't strong enough to do it alone.


Right then God forced me to face my fear and raw emotions and the one word that can stop me in my tracks.


ALONE


I sobbed in Samantha's arms for a few minutes and she wisely told me that I needed to just let it all out to God. But I hate doing that. I did it anyway though. I got home and got in the shower and cried so hard there were hardly any tears. I was angry and upset that God would choose to have me leave behind everything and everyone that I love. And that He would have me go out into the world alone.

After I calmed down a little bit and paused to listen to God; I heard Him say,

"Casey, I will never leave you or forsake you. I love you.

I will be with you every step of the way."

That was a good thing to hear but I asked probably 20 times, "God do you promise? Promise me that you won't ever leave me alone, please Jesus, promise me? Because I can't do this by myself. I can't leave my family and my best friend with out you being my strength and promising to never leave me. Jesus do you promise?!?"

"Yes Casey. I promise. I will NEVER leave you."

~standing on His Promise~

CaseyMay

What can I do in 30 days?

30 days.

That's all I have left in this small little river town. One question keeps resurfacing in my mind and pulls on my heart:

What will you do with the time that's left?

That reminds me of a song by Mark Shultz

What will you do with the time that's left?
Will you live it all with no regret?
Will they say that you loved till your final breath?
What will you do with the time that's left?

Chorus:Oh hallelujah, oh hallelujah
Hallelujah, amen

And what will you with the time that's past?

Oh and all the pain that seems to last?

Can you give it to Jesus and not look back?

What will you do with the time that's past?

Chorus

And what will He say when your time has come?

And He takes you into His arms of love

With tears in His eyes will He say "well done"?

What will you say when your time has come?

What will I do in my last 30 days?

Will I impact a life for God's glory?

Will I cherish the people I love?

Will I live with no regrets?

Will I make memories?

Will I love LOVE?

Yes.

The next 30 days will undoubtedly go by way too fast (especially after I come home from Mexico) but I know that I am doing God's will and yes its scary but it is going to be so worth it!

So for the next 30 days I will live LOVE.

it's not goodbye. It's see you soon.

~standing on His Promise~

CaseyMay

It's Going to be OK

I first must apologize for seeming a little crazy. The past week or so has been an emotional one and has taken its toll.

But I can finally say truthfully:

It's going to be ok.

Yes leaving will be hard and sad and scary. But it would be worse to not follow God's calling.

God has called me to Texas. I must go and leaving is not a bad thing.

Life will go on without me and that is ok. My family will be fine. My core group will have a new leader they can trust. My Sunday school class with have a great teacher. My best friend will still be my best friend, always.

I will meet new people-likeminded people. I will get opportunities of a lifetime and the chance to grow radically deeper in my relationship with God.

It's all going to be ok. :)

~standing on His Promise~

CaseyMay

I'm crumbling

I am falling apart and I don't know how to stop it.

So many intense emotions....and yet they are hidden behind a cracking mask, and no once seems to see just how broken I really am.

muffin.

_____________________________________________________________________

I bought my plane ticket today. It's offical I am leaving and I'm just now starting to realize what that means. I will no longer have my family, my best friend, my church family, or my job. I will have no one but me and God. I will have to start over in a new place, with new people and the same old me. I don't know that I am ready to do that or that I am strong enough to do that.

My home will no longer be my home.

This town, the same place that suffocates me and holds me back, also sustains me. Can I live apart from it? Yes. Will it be easy? Not at all.

My parents have never left this place (not for long at least) they don't understand what I'm going through.

I will have to say goodbye in about a month and won't see them again until Christmas. I have never known anything but this all my life. It's time for me to go but I find myself wanting to stay in this mediocre way of life. Yet I know there is SO much more out there and so much more of me left to discover.

I don't know how to handle these emotions anymore.

Breathe

I can finally breathe. Thank God for my best friend. Who knew crumbling into 85 million pieces could feel so good? Screaming at the top of your lungs over the valley feels even better...

Change AGAIN

So I just found out that I will be attending the Honor Academy in Texas because they have chosen to close the Minnesota campus for the time being. Unexpected is an understatement. But it will be ok. :)

So if you could pray about that it would be great. I am still following God's plan. Now we just have to figure out how I'm getting there.

what is going on

why are things so incredibly messed up right now.....

grr

interesting

up

down

up

down

up

down

up

down

up

down

up
up
up

down

down

down

up
up

down

down

down

This seem to be the heartbeat of my mood...

There was good and bad today. Got to spend some good wholesome fun time with the boy. :) (as friends of course!) But then the parents happened. I love them but they are not making this any easier. So for now, this is the heartbeat...

Let Go

Happy 4th everyone! Ok so this post is going to have a few topics, that may or may not make sense.
******************************************************************

Happy 4th of July! I hope you all had a great fun day celebrating our freedom not only as American's but as Christ followers as well. Freedom has a high price.

-----------------------------------------
So, right now in this very moment, I am feeling quite sad. I have roughly 4 weeks left, I have so much to do and not enough time to do it and what's worse is that I am grieving already for what I will lose in 4 weeks. I have gotten so very close to the girls I mentor, one in particular, Mara. I have been there for her through very hard times, like the one she is currently in. She's like a little sister to me and though its my prayer that my replacement (who I trust A LOT) will love her and the other girls more than I have, I'm worried that won't happen and they'll fall through the cracks. I will leave my best friend, who needs to know so much more about how she has impacted my life everyday. I am leaving my job, which I love. My family, who is sadly getting the short end of the stick lately, more than they know. And for all the other people in my life that I am some how letting down by leaving.
----------------------------------------------

The boy. eegghh. He is no longer a problem. It's a really long story. So here's the very very short version. He and I are really good freinds. Earlier this week I found out he was 'dating' someone for three months and they were talking about marriage. As one of his best friends I was very angery that I had no prior knowledge about this. I asked him to tell me what led him to this point and why he didn't tell me. Well the truth came out! He told me that he had feelings for me and back in January was going to pursue me but I told him that God was leading me to someone else before he could ask. So after being "shut down" by me, he rekindles a 'romance' (she lives 6 hrs away they've gone out once) with an ex-girlfriend from like 2-3 years ago. They both rush into things and begin to talk about getting married. Now I'm in the picture again. The next time we're together we are volunteering at a firework stand fundraiser and we flirted like 13 year olds! I then realized that I have some deep rooted attention addictions and in all honesty would have done something incredibly stupid has youth not been around. So after I get my head on straight, I see what an idiot I am and that his boundries were easily discarded when I pushed them. Not good. He tells me he wants me to pray about our 'relationship'(?????!!!!!?!?!) that we could have until I leave. I do pray and realize that this is an intentional assault by the Enemy because this would screw up everything. I tell him all this last night, we talked, argued, and talked some more. The poor guy I don't think gets it, if he wants to wait 2 years, fine by me, but I'm making no promises. (ok so maybe its not so short?!?!)
-----------------------------------------------

I'm exhausted, drained, and in need of God to break me and force me to let go.
eeeeeggggghhhhhh

~standing on His Promise~
CaseyMay

ummm??????

I think he's a wolf in sheep's clothing or a knight in shining armor

I think he's in love with the idea of loving me or is it really love?

I think I may risk doing something really really stupid

I think I like the idea of loving him for now

I think this is uncharted territory

But I like what he gives me

I can't trust myself now

But I can trust him

I think anyway

I don't know

what to

do

?

At DragonFly's Request :)

At Dragonfly's request I will tell you more about all my special-ness. :)
SO...I have no toes....

I have no toes because of a birth defect, I can walk but running is something that is not easy for me.

I also am missing fingers (on one hand) from the same birth defect. I'm not gonna lie I can pretty much to anything that you ten fingered people can :) LOL

Oh and by the way I make jokes all the time about my lack of fingers and toes, so don't be suprised and please feel free to laugh!! I wouldn't tell them if I didn't want you to laugh. :)

I am also a triplet, we were born 3months premature and weighed a little over 2 pounds. This is us (taken a few years ago and the one on the far right is my lil sis)

So there's a little more detail about my special-ness! :D If you have questions please feel free to ask!!!

~standing on His Promise~

CaseyMay

Oh Peter!

So yesterday I finally got my acceptance packet from the Honor Academy. I read through it and was shocked to discover how much stuff I have to do before I leave! Yes you may call it naiive but seriously, I have so much to do and I also discovered it costs $7800 not $6000, so I need to have $2400 before August 16th. Wow God is going to have to make a way because I honestly can't do it.

After discovering those things and also what my first week looks like (busy and hard) I will also be dealing with the running issue. I can't run, at least not for more than about 5-10 minutes because it is very very hard on my knees and feet (its the whole no toes thing..WAIT have ever told you all that? By the way I have no toes). So yeah, I don't really ever have a problem with the fact that I have no toes, but I really don't like it when it causes me to miss out or be more set apart. Does that make sense? Anyway, I included this little detail on my application and I have no doubt that once they actually take a look at my little feet they will understand and just be amazed that I walk.

God is asking me to be really uncomfortable and do some really hard things, I am discovering this is not as easy as I thought it would be, packing, moving, adjusting, explaining, and being vunerable. All very hard. I am begining to think I don't want to do this after all, but then I remember that its God's plan not mine but still....this is hard and uncomfortable. It would be so much easier to stay here!

I was talking to one of the girls I mentor this morning and as I was telling her how I was feeling about all this and she said to me, "Casey, your sinking again". I was confused to say the least about that, sinking? Then I remembered telling her about how much I am like Peter. I ask God to prove to me that I am doing what He wants and then He does (Jesus walking on water, Peter asks Him to prove Himself by telling him to walk out on the water) and so then I take a leap of faith and test Him and He's right but then I doubt and I began to flounder and sink (Peter walks on the water but then doubts and starts to drown) then I call on Jesus to save me (just like Peter) and He saves me and asks me why I doubt...She was right. Man, Peter and I could have been good friends.

This is hard. But God didn't promise me it would be easy, but He DID promise me that it would be worth it. SO through Him I can do this and by His strength I will do this. He is the one who has to do it because I can't, I just can't do this on my own...I'm too attached and too comfortable and in all honesty too afraid to do this in my own strength.

IT'S ALL YOU GOD AND ITS ALL YOURS

TAKE IT

I DON'T WANT IT

~standing on HIS promise~

CaseyMay

The Journey of Today

"It's strange: You are about to embark on an amazing God-breathed journey,

one that will be the giant stepping stone that will send you places you haven't even dreamed of.

And, at the same time, you are still at home, working the same ol' job,

doing the same ol' things, and having the same ol' arguments with the family."

LIMBO

looking forward

but still tied down to the present

And yet the following is my prayer for you...

Despite the fact that you want to leave so badly and that you think the days are going tortuously slow, I hope they continue to do so.

I'm not claiming to have it all figured out, but I do know what it's like to be without your parents for two whole weeks with only one five-minute phone conversation to satisfy you.

S-L-O-W

enough to cherish

S-L-O-W

enough to remember

S-L-O-W

enough to love

It's hard.

Let alone the fact that you are leaving behind many friendships, old and new. You are going to want these days to cherish the time you have left with your family and friends. No matter how much each of them drive you crazy.

Leaving...

47 days from today

it is good-bye

My next prayer is that you can truly give all of this to God. It is a huge frustration for you, all these arguments with the family and trying to do the "balancing act." But God can handle it much better and He wants to. So I pray that you give it over to Him, and that once you do a sense of peace resides from now in your heart and in your household.

LET GO

LET GOD

BE PATIENT

IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU

And remember, communication is key. Being a parent is the toughest job on earth and they've been through what you are going through and are now on the receiving end their parents were on years ago. It's hard for them, but they understand these bittersweet feelings more than me, more than you.

GRACE

I don't know what its like for them

They don't need me making this any harder

CUT THEM SOME SLACK

And one more thing. I am praying hard that you will cherish that last road trip with your family. You do not know how long it will be until the next one. You are getting a chance to see some beautiful states with the people that love you most in the world (minus your dad, and minus me;)) What an opportunity!!

Make memories

don't be selfish

Count it all joy

And yes, it will suck that they are the ones "leaving you." But you know that's not the case. You are leaving them. So give them a chance to say good-bye. Sometimes people need to see the body one more time before it's lowered into the ground so to speak. We all have ways of saying good-bye, so give your mom this gift. You'll both appreciate it.

Let her say goodbye

Let yourself say goodbye

Its not going to be easy

She's my mom

She is my comfort

my support

She needs this more than I do

You're gonna miss this. You're gonna want this back."So love and embrace it while you have it. Your next adventure is going to be AMAZING but don't forget about the one you are currently on.

No day

BUT TODAY

enjoy the journey

don't forget about the NOW

and the opportunities you have today

italics=comment from samanthamarie-- I am blessed with a wise best friend who loves me enough to speak the TRUTH in LOVE. I love you....

ALSO thank you all for your prayers and encouragement on my last post, I am blessed with wise and caring friends. *hugs*

~standing on His Promise~

Casey

Supression Band-Aid and Life Without Me

Over the last 2 days there have been a lot issues between me and my family. Saturday night we got into an arguement about how much time I wasn't spending with them, which led to me leaving the house, retreating to my quiet place. After talking with Samantha for a while, I went back home to have a talk with my parents about how they were making me feel (which was guilty). They explained their side of things and how I was impacting them and they were more in the right than I. I realized that I thought by avoiding them it would make me leaving easier, turns out I was wrong, it was only making things worse.

Then tonight, my lovely sister brought up that fact that she was going to take my bed which has a very nice headboard/bookcase that contains my things. I was not too happy about that, who cares that I won't be here, its still mine! *sigh* The parents were brought into the discussion and it didn't really make me feel any better. We both had some harsh words and then I walked away, still feeling the sting.

Why is it that leaving is seeming so real? Why is it that they have to tell me these things before I leave? And why, WHY, must they be the ones to drive away without ME?

This would be so much easier if I could just fly...but no, it won't happen, unless by a miracle. (God?! Can you help me out here?!)

*sigh* I know its going to be ok in the end. I just want to get the goodbyes and see you laters over with. I am more than ready to move on. It's time for me to go and discover exactly who I am apart from this cute, wonderful, little river town. Please God, let the days go by faster!!! It's time, it is so past time, so let's go...

I'm ready to FLY

PART 2--Bearing My Cross

While sitting in the grass having my quiet time, staring at the HUGE trees and ever expansive mountians and valleys, I felt so small. I began to think of where God was leading me and what He was calling me to. I began to feel the weight of it all.

Missionary...that calling to me is HUGE so huge in fact that I was brought to tears. I can't understand WHY God would choose me to do this. It's not that I'm not excited or anything, its just so much bigger than I can handle...but God reassured me, like He always does. Reminding me that I can NOT handle this ALONE, if I try and do this on my own I will fail, but with Him and by His strength I can do this.

He doesn't give me more than I can handle with and through Him. And that is so refreshing that I can lay even the calling that He has placed on me, at His feet. Free to lay every part of me down, to actually let go completely. And rely 100% on Him.

Sometimes it takes a Mountain to Move Me (PART 1)

I spent the last 2 days in the woods by a lake camping with Samantha and her parents. The experience was indescribable but I will try to tell you all about it. It was a lot so I am making this a series :) This is part one. Forgive me if this is not sequencial, I want to start with the biggest things first.

Samantha and I were playing on the empty playground taking loads of pictures. Samantha took a moment to think and look out on the lake. I planted my behind on the opposite end of the playground by the top of the slide to pray and think. I began to think of the conversation she and I had earlier about my emotional eating. I didn't really know why I did it or when it started. So I sat and thought about it, my mind wondered and I began thinking about the yellow safety bars in front of me that look like this...

I realized how much they looked like a jail, holding me back from what I desire, what I am capable of. Then I made the connection...my addiction to food was keeping me in bondage. I wanted to know why and where it started. And I told God I wasn't leaving that spot until He showed me exactly why I had ended up here.

In a matter of seconds it became painfully, and horibbly clear to me. I went back to 7th grade and remembered the attention I got which was mainly negative and unwanted. It was then that I decided (subconsiously?) that it was better to run away to food and hide behind my weight, to make myself invisable so that I could keep people out, protect myself from getting hurt all over again. It was better to be the fat girl than the one getting hurt all the time, if they didn't notice me or didn't get close to me or didn't accept me, because of my weight, then I could be safe.

Samantha came up the steps (she had just had her own God experience that was beautiful to witness but thats in part 2) as I struggled to keep it together, she looked me right in the eyes and didn't have to say a word, she wrapped me in her arms and I began to sob uncontrollably as I was flooded with the raw emotion I had been supressing for almost 7 years. Long, hard, deep sobs shook my body, as I mourned for myself and for the wounds that I had buried deep within me.

We both ended up sobbing in each others arms on that playground. We both learned to let go to lay down our "control" and to trust God even in our fear. This was just one of the AMAZING God breathed experiences that we had together. Being in the midst of God's creation has never before possessed so much power and awe. To render me speechless in the presence of God because of the geat realization that these mountains, hills, valleys, and fields praise and glorify God so much louder and greater than any words and sentences I could ever form.

"Humbled by your majesty

Covered by Your grace so free

Singing Majesty...Majesty"

~standing on His Promise~

CaseyMay

2 months and counting....

Today I talked to my mom about how exactly I am getting to Minnesota in less than 2 months. She is set on driving and taking my sisters. I am not too happy about this, but as our conversation proved, I don't have a choice. My dad asked me to think about how my mom is feeling right now, I am the first one to leave and its not just that fact that I'm moving out, its the physical distance of it all.

My mom has to deal with that but so do I, and I am the one leaving, which means I have to say goodbye or as some of you say, "see you later". But for me "see you later" is in a few days, not a few months. My parents aren't making this any easier for me, they are telling me on a daily basis how much time I don't spend with them and how much I am going to miss them. Its like they are trying to make me feel guilty! I am honestly trying to spend more time with them but when they say things like that, it makes me want to leave again. It is going to be so hard for me to leave them, they are all I have known for the last 20 years of my life!

I may be pretending right now that I'm going to be ok, but the truth is I am going to cry like a baby. I am on the verge of tears right now just thinking about it.

Don't get me wrong, I know that I am following God's plan, but He also said it wouldn't be easy...but it'd be worth it. I read this verse this morning and I just remembered it :)

"And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or farms for My name's sake, will receive many times as much, and will inherit eternal life"

Matthew 19:29

Nine weeks...thats all I have left. In exactly nine weeks, I will watch my family drive away and I won't see them for atleast four months...

*deep breath*

~standing on His Promise~

CaseyMay

Child-likeness

I am filled with childlike joy. For many different reasons.
I just finished watching Kung Fu Panda for the 2nd time. I LOVE THAT MOVIE. In fact, I laughed harder the second time. I went with my mentoree and she wanted to know what had gotten into me. So as I drove home I thought about that.

I am so content right now, I have few worries or stresses (with the exception of work, but thats a different story). I feel like a kid after Christmas. I have been SO blessed. This past year has changed my life in a radical way. God has been so faithful to His promises (there are so many!). I have a great (I mean GREAT) family, I have my best friend for LIFE, I have a job I love (for the most part), I have a great church family, I have you, I am going on a mission trip, I am going to the Honor Academy, I have made an IMPACT on people, I have learned patience, and to trust in God. Oh my word, how can I not rejoice??!!

This journey has been so awesome. I would like to give you a brief look at it :)

January 2008
---------I made a commitment to God to put Him first and do things His way and He promised that if I did that, this would be the best year of my life.


--------I confided in Samantha that I felt God leading me towards missions and I thought I was crazy, but we began to pray about it together, as well as the opportunity for me to go on a mission


--------I attended a concert featuring Pocket Full of Rocks, and was brought to my knees by God, it was there with arms stretched out, through my tears, I realized that I had to surrender everything, which seemed so small in comparison to what God has done for me, yet it was so huge, but so worth it.


-------My youth pastor approached me and told me God told him to ask me to come with them to Mexico in July. I tell my family and then ask God to affirm this to me financially.

February
---I begin sending out my support letters for my mission trip

March
-------God provides the last of the $1400 needed for my mission trip.

April
----I begin to invest and pray for my core group of 7th grade girls and see the fruits.

----Aquire the Fire. I see my girls bond and support eachother. I'm not needed and I had never been more proud. After we got back the girls grew so much in the Lord.

------God asks me to search my heart in my education, I do, and find that I'm not where God wants me. I begin to search and pray for another school.

May

-----I apply to the Honor Academy in Minnesota.

you're pretty much caught up and I left out a lot. But there was many times throughout this journey that I doubted. I doubted God's voice, and often wondered if I was doing the right thing. Turns out, I was following God's plan all along.

I am a child of God. And He is my Provider, my Rock, my Savior, my God, my Father, my I Am.

I am because He is.

I am nothing

made something only through Him

~standing on His Promise~

CaseyMay

Praise and Prayer Request

I GOT INTO THE HONOR ACADEMY!!!! IT'S OFFICIAL!!!

I leave August 12th for Minnesota, my mom wants to take my sisters with us and it will take about 2 1/2 days to get there. I need to be there August 15.

I feel so relieved! Thank you all for praying about this with me, my next step is to raise financial support but I have complete trust in God's provision.

I would like to ask you all to pray for Samantha. She is feeling down and needs some prayer (hopefully she's ok with me asking...).

So just wanted to update you and ask for your prayers. I will post more soon!

~standing on His Promise~

CaseyMay

songs and gifts

These are a few songs "I" wrote, God really gets the credit He gave them to me. Don't know why He did considering I don't sing or play instruments but I wanted to share them with you all.


The song WHY was written shortly after a classmate's father took his life, leaving his son, daughter and wife to deal with unanswered questions.

WHY

(chorus)

Why did you have to go

there's so much i need to know

All i have left are memories

and one little note that you wrote me

(verse 1)

Was it something i did or something i said

was there no other way to stop the pain

could it be that your love for me was not enough

Why did you have to go
there's so much i need to know
All i have left are memories
and one little note that you wrote me

(verse 2)

what was it that you couldn't live through

what about those you left behind

did you think that we could just move on without you

Why did you have to go
there's so much i need to know
All i have left are memories
and one little note that you wrote me

(bridge?)

Who will walk me down the isle

who will chase away my fears

who will heal my broken heart

who will wipe away my tears

Oh daddy, Why did you have to go
there's so much i need to know
All i have left are memories
and one little note that you wrote me

This next song was written at 3am, I shot up out of bed and wrote down the song in my head. Definitely a God thing.

ONE NIGHT LAST MONTH

(intro)

Went down to the clinic today

one night last month i gave myself away

never been so afraid of a test before

(verse 1)

How do i carry for 9 months

look into its eyes and say good-bye

i hope you have a much better life

(chorus)

Why does this have to be so hard

why'd i choose to go that far

and what am i supposed to do now

(verse 2)

What if i do the unthinkable

because I'm so afraid of what they'll say

the christian life i used to lead

is now just hypocrisy

Why does this have to be so hard
why'd i choose to go that far
and what am i supposed to do now

(Bridge?)

when i tell him what will he say?

its not his there's just no way

and i'll just have to figure it out

Why does this have to be so hard
why'd i choose to go that far
and what am i supposed to do now

went down to the clinic today

one night last month I gave myself away

Never been so afraid of a test before

These song are in no way professional but I really believe that some day God is going to use them to touch someone. I also believe that one reason I wrote these songs was because I have the spiritual gift of mercy.

"The gift of Mercy: the special gift where by the Spirit enables certain Christians to feel exceptional empathy and compassion for those who are suffering so that they can devote large amounts of time and energy to alleviate it.

This ability to empathize with hurting people manifests itself into cheerful acts of service. The believer feels deeply for those with physical, spiritual or emotional needs and is motivated to take action to meet the needs.

The actions taken reflect Christ’s love.The Greek word for “mercy” (eleos) means “to show compassion,” or “to feel sympathy of heart.” This gift is characterized by the ability to suffer alongside the person in pain, in a sense to feel the pain with them and to want to help them bear it.
This extraordinary gift enables the believer to feel a deep compassion that transcends natural Christian caring and to minister to hurting people in a cheerful and sustained manner.
The person with the gift of mercy will be drawn to exercise it among the needy, ill, the mentally impaired, the handicapped, shut-ins, imprisoned, bereaved, lonely, and others in troubled situations.

It is revealed in the person’s being able to serve in the presence of human misery such as is so often seen among the poor, the sad, the afflicted and the abandoned."

http://synodresourcecenter.org/stew/personal_stewardship/spiritual_gifts/0002/mercy.html

Yep, thats my number 1 gift and (fortunately?) it shows. I am the one who helps at funerals, who takes on the burdens of those around me, who desperately wants to make the hurt go away because I can feel it, just like they can. Only I can express it when sometimes they can't or don't know how. I can be a voice, their voice.
I can be His arms, giving them His hugs, shedding His tears, showing His love, and lightening their load by bearing their burden with Him. This gift is not easy and to be honest their have been times where I have hated it, really hated it. But in this moment, I understand why I have it, and why its needed.

Thank you for reading all of this! I hope it made sense, some times they don't and thats ok too.

~standing on His Promise~

CaseyMay