Tuesday, July 20, 2010


Over the last 21+ years, I have dealt with heartache, and will continue to until the day I die.

There is nothing that can numb the pain of loss, the deep hurt, the weight of guilt, the burden of 'what if?', the emptiness, the hopelessness, the desperation that heartache brings. Drugs, food, alcohol, sex, relationships, pain, pleasure, money, work, they may numb the pain, or push it way, bury it a little deeper, but that ache, it is still there.

The cross.
The pain from the beatings,
the crown of thorns,
the lashes.
The burden of the cross.
The nails driven, one by one.
The cross.
Perfect love, 
Son of God,

In brokenness we are made whole.

I find myself, time and time again,
on my knees, at the foot of the cross.
Broken, hurting, empty.
There, in the arms of Love,
I am healed, by His stripes.
I mended, I am filled.

Monday, July 19, 2010


The first weeks at home was the calm before the storm.
So now, in the storm, I see who I am.
The wind blows,
The thunder shakes the windows,
The rain pours, threatening to wash everything away.

Here I stand.
Right in the middle.
Dark, ominous, clouds surround me.
There seems to be no end in sight.

I close my eyes.
I remember the warmth of the sunshine.
The smell of the spring flowers.
The clear blue sky.

This won't last forever.
This is only for a little while.
hold me through this storm.
You are my hope.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Letting go...again

Have you ever had situations or relationships that you have had to let go of, only to have to let go of them again?

Yep, that is pretty much where I am at. Letting go again. It's a glad surrender but also a painful sacrifice. I know I have done this 100 times, and it just keeps surfacing weeks, months, later. Like a test. The enemy wants me to hold on, to go back to my old ways, to put myself back into the chains that Christ had freed me from.

The chains of manipulation, self-hatred, emotional dependency, people pleasing, and so many others.

Oh the enemy is sly.

He promises you happiness, fulfillment, your deepest desires satisfied.
Offering you an all expense paid trip to Disney Land, your dream come true.
But you find yourself in a brothel,
the lowest you have ever been.

Thankfully we have a Savior, that fights on our behalf, 
He paid the price of our freedom.
He broke the chains once and for all.
We are captives set free.

Though this freedom in some ways seems harder than captivity,
it is always worth it.

~Standing on His Promises~

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Therefore, behold, I will allure her...

"Therefore, behold, I will allure her, bring her into the wilderness and speak kindly to her." Hosea 2:14

This is my season. I am in a desert, a wilderness, full of time to be alone, just me and God. Don't get me wrong, these times have been so sweet. I am deeply relational, so to not have very many, if any, deep friendships in my life is very painful.

I love and hate this season. I love spending time with the Lord, but I hate the pain of refinement. I was cautioned that this was going to happen by a dear friend of mine, and she was right.

Today the pain was real. I am not in Texas anymore. I don't know when I will see some of my closest friends again, my wedding probably, in another 3-10 years. Our friendship now looks very different. We are thousands of miles apart. Facebook, Twitter, text messages, and the occasional phone call. Ouch. 

The Lord is doing exactly what I asked Him to do, "Draw me closer to You, bind our hearts together." A very dangerous prayer, worth it in the end though.

So here in the desert Lord I will wait upon You.
Come and have Your way in me.
Refine me. Mold me. Shape me.
Into more of Your likeness.
I am safe in Your arms,
I am safe here, in the unknown,
in the darkness.
Your love covers me.
You are enough.

~Standing on His Promises~

Monday, July 5, 2010


The older I get, the more I realize that God is a God of surprises.

Tonight I find myself once again thinking about the past, present and future. I had a very encouraging conversation with my friend David today, and with most good conversation comes processing.

Just two weeks ago I was in Texas, at the Honor Academy. Today, here at home, it feels like years ago, a mere dream.

I feel like the next 6 weeks is going to be more like a purgatory, a waiting period fully of testing and trails. I was warned about this feeling, this depression that could sink in, the loneliness. I am clinging to Christ with all I have, because in all reality I have no idea where my life is going. Don't get me wrong that is fine, I am getting used to that.

I know that I am here for such a time as this.
Please show me what that means.
Draw me to Yourself.
To the secret place.
Where it's just You and me.
I long for You, here in the quiet darkness.
And there in the whirlwind of busyness.
Guide me Lord, along Your path.
I will follow You.

And Lord,
that man that I wait for,
draw him to You too.
Prepare us, for the right time.
May our hearts be fixed on You.
Always on our first love, Christ Jesus.

And in this waiting, Lord,
have Your way.

~Standing on His Promises~

Sunday, July 4, 2010

A look at the past

I found some of my old journals a few days ago. One was from fall of 2005-spring of 2006, the other fall of 2007-spring of 2008. The latter one was the most eye opening. Here I sit two years later, a completely different woman.

So much has happened over the last two years, I can honestly say I didn't have a clue. But one thing that I love about keeping a journal is that I can look back at what God was showing me and teaching me, and see how it has worked on in my life now.

One of my journal entries from the spring of 2008 talked about an idea the Lord had given me, I told my best friend that I could see myself teaching African children, aside from that I didn't think too much of it. Who knew that a year later, God would reveal to me a dream much bigger than I imagined, a calling to start an orphanage, to be a mother to the motherless, to finish my teaching degree, and someday travel to Africa. I had forgotten all about that journal entry years earlier, God was preparing me even then.

"He who started a good work in you is faithful to complete it" Philippians 1:6

~Standing on His Promises~