Monday, January 31, 2011

Taking a look back

I am feeling rather nostalgic tonight, for no particular reason. Well, I guess that isn't true, there IS a reason. I have been thinking for the last few days about how much the Lord has transformed me in the last 3 years. Let me explain.

3 years ago, around this time of year, I finally answered God's call to surrender all control to him, at the time, that was my plan for my life. I had dreams, big dreams. And I had it all planned out. I was ready to accomplish my goals. And then God put those dreams on hold. There was a song out at the time, by Pocket Full of Rocks, and it was called Song to the King, a line in the song struck a chord with my heart one night. 
"I stand in awe of Your majesty, I may not have much, but I give everything. This is my song, song to my King"
The previous 4 months of my life had been a wreck, I knew the Lord, but I couldn't let go of my plans. It was at this moment, that I realized Christ had given me everything, and all I could give Him, was everything and it still wouldn't be enough. I knew had to surrender, everything, especially my plans and desires.

And then God rocked my world. If you look back through this blog, you can see parts of the journey, the great parts, and the ugly parts. Through it all, the Lord has taken what used to be, a lost, broken, confused, insecure girl and transformed her into a beautiful, confident, woman who knows the Lord intimately. This is so beautiful to me. If only you would have known me three years ago, for those of you who have me on facebook, take a look at my first pictures. I will admit looking at them now makes me wince a bit. I was still in my 10 year 'ugly duckling' phase. Seriously. I am secure enough to admit it. As you look through the pictures you will see the physical transformation, and hopefully a bit of the spiritual transformation too. 

 3 years ago                                                                                                            tonight

Now sitting here, in my apartment, three years later, I look at myself and smile. The Lord has done a miracle in my life, I am not who I was. And now I believe and I can say with confidence of Christ, that He has made me, a beautiful woman, and He has won my heart.

So in this season of many unknowns, and lots of waiting, I look back and praise God for His faithfulness. Holding tightly to the beautiful promise that He is the same yesterday, today and forever.

~Set Apart for Him~

Friday, January 28, 2011

What do you do when you are waiting?

Waiting. I find that God has asked me to wait for a lot in my life. Yet, at this season, it is different. I am still waiting, however it looks different. Let me see if I can explain :)

I am at the place in my life where I have a ton of questions, and no answers. That's not all together new. What is new, is that in this season I have such peace from the Lord. There is nothing I can really 'do' to get the answers to my questions, because it is my belief that the Lord doesn't want me to know, at least not yet. I have found that this waiting period pushes me to do one thing, be on my knees, surrendered to the Lord. I can not figure this out. All I can do is to be yielded to the Lord.

I think about how I am the Bride of Christ, and put that into a tangible lesson. Someday, when I get married, I will need to trust that my husband knows what he is doing, that he hears from the Lord, and that he will take care of me. My relationship with Christ functions in the same way, only the Lord will never fail me. I  must trust the Lord, He is guiding me, and I don't need to know where I am going. He is taking me on an adventure, full of mysteries and surprises. And out of my relationship with Christ, my love, my affection for Him, my trust in Him, I follow--yielded to Him. Letting Him lead me.

I don't know where He is taking me, all I know is that it is somewhere great, and this adventure pulls me closer to Him. I think He has a few surprises in store for me, and that  gets my heart excited.

~Set Apart~

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Seeking Identity from the Creator

Many times, especially as women, we sit back and ponder what makes us so 'wonderful'. Or we think about all the reasons we aren't 'wonderful'. (or aren't [insert word] here). Some days are better than others, but I think because the enemy has it out for us, we are daily left with a question to answer, "Who am I?" 

This question has been ringing in my mind lately, especially because it seems like all my plans are falling through, the 'control' I thought I had is slipping through my hands. After a frustrating few weeks, I pause and ask myself, "Why does any of this matter?" "What am I doing?" "What makes me valuable?"

When we try to define ourselves by something other than God, these questions can ruin us. We keep striving and working with no progress. However, when we take a step back and look to the Lord, we remember what He says. We are adopted as His children (Ephesians 1). He loves us, His grace is sufficient. He is the one who created us for a purpose, (Jeremiah 29:11, Esther 4:14). 

So tonight, I remember that. And I ask that the Lord would hold my heart, so that it may not be tarnished by this world, or the flaming arrows of the enemy. 

~Set Apart~

Monday, January 24, 2011

Oh my..

God is funny. It seems like right when I can't take it anymore He breaks through, like a knight in shining armor. Yes, things still are difficult, but as He so faithfully reminds me, He is enough.

This may be a dark hour, but joy is coming with the morning light. He is faithful. He has not forgotten me, He has not rejected me. But these trails are bringing me closer to Him.  I am a fool to think that I can do this life on my own. I need Jesus, and the cross. Always.

My heart feels lighter tonight, maybe even a little bit happy. Still with no answers to my questions, it's alright. God has it figured out, and it's better for me to trust than to want to know God's time line.

~Set Apart for Him~

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Time to be real

%*#&^!^&#&**#*# yep. That's how I feel. Like swearing. Which is extreme. Let me explain. (if any of you readers are even still out there?)

I am in the worst season of my life. I have had some pretty rough seasons before. This one tops it all.

I have been processing a lot of heavy stuff, I am going to counseling which is great. But these raw emotions are killing me. I cry way more now. 

I am hurt. And angry. Hurt because of these old wounds that are now affecting my relationships in every way. From projecting my feeling on others, to blaming myself for their negative emotions. I have this great huge fear, that everyone will move on with life and get married and I will be left behind all alone. This has resurfaced recently, as my best friend gets closer to a serious dating relationship. 

Angry. I am angry because I am tired of feeling this way, and I am angry at God for letting me be this way. I am tired of being broken. I am tired. This season feels like it will never end. And yes, it is safe to say that right now in this moment I am being extremely selfish, and am I asking God why, when will it be my turn? Where is my promise? 

"I am faithful"

Yes, You are. And I am broken. And I need You now more than ever.