Monday, September 29, 2008

So much wondering

I'm sorry it's taken me so long to update, I will be writing about ESOAL soon, but right now there is another thing pressed upon my heart.

I am so confused right now, which more than likely is exactly where God wants me. I have been learning so much about how to battle my flesh (sinful nature) it is so much harder than it sounds. When you are tempted and you have the choice to indulge or to walk away, your flesh screams out "DO IT" and your spirit cries out "WALK AWAY". You are conflicted. Will you choose what "feels" or "sounds" good or right in the moment, or will you choose to die to yourself and walk away knowing your reward is eternal.

This is SO hard for me. I am struggling with a lot of the lies I have believed and that continue to surface. I am faced everyday with the choice, to live for God or to live for my flesh, this question arises multiple times daily.

I am being forced to confront my past, my present, my future and my sin. It stares me in the face, and forces me to look, it's ugly and unpleasent and painful.

Who will I serve? My flesh or my God?

Only time will tell....

Time is one thing I fear can run out at any moment, and there is so much more I want to know...patience?


~standing on His Promise~

Monday, September 8, 2008

The HA Rollercoaster

So, here at the HA we are preparing for our first LTE (life transforming event) called ESOAL (emotionally stretching opportunity of a lifetime). This is why I have been getting up at 4:30 AM Monday through Friday to go train for ESOAL. We are learning that emotions shouldn't and don't control you. This is what ESOAL is all about you can check out the link below to see the video and I promise it looks worse than it is (I have talked to past ESOAL participants about this)

In light of my previous blog, I am learning that emotions don't dictate my decisions. I am fighting my feelings of homesickness as much as I would LOVE to go back home, I know that I MUST stay here for now. And as much as I would LOVE LOVE LOVE for my SamanthaMarie to come down and save me, I can't let her because God, for some reason, wants me to work through this, and one of my biggest issues is that I don't like being alone. So He is continuing to refine me and help me work through things.

Thank you all so much for your prayers and encouragement. Please keep me in your prayers ESPECIALLY during ESOAL Spet 18-22nd (we don't know when it officially ends, and I could ring out before it ends, but let's hope not!)

Love you all!
~standing on His Promise~

Saturday, September 6, 2008


So I am sitting here at a computer, seeing what's going on in other people's lives back home and I am begining to realize that life as I knew it is moving on without me.

I so badly want to go back home and say "Hey! Everyone Remember ME!" Turns out it's hard to maintain relationships from 2000 miles away sustained on only phone calls that seem to recently be filled with akward silience.

I want to go home. My heart is sad, I want my old life back, my family, my best friend, my job, my church. I just want things to be normal and comfortable. I want to go back to sharing a room with only 1 person instead of 5, and to share an actual bathroom instead of a community one. I want hugs and back rubs and smiles and a safe place to just be me.

I want to stay here because I am getting closer to God, but I hate that I feel so alone here and so seperated from eveyone. I am going to spend my birthday away from my sisters next Friday. I will not be going out to dinner with my family to celebrate, instead I will get up at 4:30 AM for corporate exercise, then go to work and have dinner in the cafeteria with my core. I will not have my family or my best friend, or a birthday cake (I may have one on Saturday).

I didn't know it would be this hard.

The life I knew is not the life I know anymore. They say change is good. But I say change is painful.

~standing on His Promise~

Monday, September 1, 2008



God is really teaching me a lot of things. One thing He has been impressing upon my heart is being real---admitting and acknowledging my past failures and mistake, those times that weren't so pretty, that were down right disgusting. That is so hard for me, maybe it's a pride thing, maybe it's trust, or maybe it because it's hard and uncomfortable.

If there is one thing I know, it's that God is certainly not going to let me be comfortable this year.

I am getting up at 4:30 AM to exercise Mon-Fri, not by choice, Mr. Hasz calls it worship, and I am beginning to see why. It is there every morning in the dark, still, quiet morning that I beat and crucify my flesh, where I push myself as hard as I can, relying on God's strength instead of my own-this is my act of worship. We exercise on what they call the anvil- and this word brings a visual image to my mind. A metal worker taking a red hot iron out of the fire, placing it on the anvil, and pounding it with a hammer to mold it and shape it. The clang on the metal rings in my ears as I run every morning. God is the metal worker and I am the iron. Refinement hurts but it is worth it. It is the only way to become more like Christ.

I am searching for my identity in Christ. I have discovered so many things that I have believed that are lies from the enemy. Some I didn't even know about. It was then that I realized-apart from the lies, I really don't know who I am. I have believed these things for so long, but now I am replacing them with the TRUTH- God's word.

So much more is happening, bu t I couldn't begin to tell you all of it because it would take up way to much room and time. I hope and pray y'all are doing well and I thank you so much for all you have done for me.
~standing on His Promise~