I spent the last 2 days in the woods by a lake camping with Samantha and her parents. The experience was indescribable but I will try to tell you all about it. It was a lot so I am making this a series :) This is part one. Forgive me if this is not sequencial, I want to start with the biggest things first.Samantha and I were playing on the empty playground taking loads of pictures. Samantha took a moment to think and look out on the lake. I planted my behind on the opposite end of the playground by the top of the slide to pray and think. I began to think of the conversation she and I had earlier about my emotional eating. I didn't really know why I did it or when it
started. So I sat and thought about it, my mind wondered and I began thinking about the yellow safety bars in front of me that look like this...I realized how much they looked like a jail, holding me back from what I desire, what I am capable of. Then I made the connection...my addiction to food was keeping me in bondage. I wanted to know why and where it started. And I told God I wasn't leaving that spot until He showed me exactly why I had ended up here.
In a matter of seconds it became painfully, and horibbly clear to me. I went back to 7th grade and remembered the attention I got which was mainly negative and unwanted. It was then that I decided (subconsiously?) that it was better to run away to food and hide behind my weight, to make myself invisable so that I could keep people out, protect myself from getting hurt all over again. It was better to be the fat girl than the one getting hurt all the time, if they didn't notice me or didn't get close to me or didn't accept me, because of my weight, then I could be safe.
Samantha came up the steps (she had just had her own God experience that was beautiful to witness but thats in part 2) as I struggled to keep it together, she looked me right in the eyes and didn't have to say a word, she wrapped me in her arms and I began to sob uncontrollably as I was flooded with the raw emotion I had been supressing for almost 7 years. Long, hard, deep sobs shook my body, as I mourned for myself and for the wounds that I had buried deep within me.
We both ended up sobbing in each others arms on that playground. We both learned to let go to lay do
wn our "control" and to trust God even in our fear. This was just one of the AMAZING God breathed experiences that we had together. Being in the midst of God's creation has never before possessed so much power and awe. To render me speechless in the presence of God because of the geat realization that these mountains, hills, valleys, and fields praise and glorify God so much louder and greater than any words and sentences I could ever form."Humbled by your majesty
Covered by Your grace so free
Singing Majesty...Majesty"
~standing on His Promise~
CaseyMay
9 comments:
I loved this post! And can relate more than you know.
Wow, Casey, I feel as though I have missed so much. First of all, I am sure you and your family are having a hard time with you planning to leave. I can only imagine how hard that must be. I know what you mean about parents telling you you don't spend enough time with them. Mine do the same thing at times. While I, too, get frustrated, I have to remind myself that they are seeing the moments pass by, while I may be so busy with everything else that I don't always stop to look. I know I will be upset about this one day, so like you I try to find more time to spend with them.
Secondly, I love your pictures. They are gorgeous. Sounds like y'all had a wonderful time and what a most perfect place to think and relax.
This really is a series. I feel like you just published a book and I'm waiting for the next!
I think that crying with a friend and just getting stuff out is one of the best things for a girl. I'm guessing it was obviously emotional and probably refreshing and relieveing too.
This reminds me of some things in my own life. I'm looking forward to the rest of this, keep me posted.
I know that song, it's great isn't it? Everytime I hear it makes me think of this dream I had last year. I wrote a post about it in April before you started your blog. I would really love it if you read it. You pretty much don't know part of me if you don't. I called it "today and a different day (my dream)... basically".
Anyways, I appreciate the virtual hugs, they're really not the same as the real thing though. And you know that obviously. Never the less I enjoyed it!
Love ya!
:)
I think my words are inadequate and really not necessary considering I was there and you already know how I think and feel about all of this.
Love you!
i loved this. and i love your friendship with Sami. i am blessed to witness just a small part of how loving and there for each other you two are. it's phenomenal.
i am so glad you two had a "retreat" experience together, AND some much needed time with the Lord in nature. i'm glad you got to pour out your tears and your heart.
thank you for sharing this with us. awesome pics, btw. i can't wait to read more of the series.
beautiful!! especially in God's eyes and that is what matters most!!!
Hey Casey! You've been tagged, by the way. I found out that MacKenzie tagged me and I am supposed to tag some people, sooooo..... If you don't want to, though, that's fine. I so understand. If you'd like to, however, the info is on my blog.
:)
Dang it! I just came tag so you're tagged for the second time. Just post one that's fine.
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