Supression Band-Aid and Life Without Me

Over the last 2 days there have been a lot issues between me and my family. Saturday night we got into an arguement about how much time I wasn't spending with them, which led to me leaving the house, retreating to my quiet place. After talking with Samantha for a while, I went back home to have a talk with my parents about how they were making me feel (which was guilty). They explained their side of things and how I was impacting them and they were more in the right than I. I realized that I thought by avoiding them it would make me leaving easier, turns out I was wrong, it was only making things worse.

Then tonight, my lovely sister brought up that fact that she was going to take my bed which has a very nice headboard/bookcase that contains my things. I was not too happy about that, who cares that I won't be here, its still mine! *sigh* The parents were brought into the discussion and it didn't really make me feel any better. We both had some harsh words and then I walked away, still feeling the sting.

Why is it that leaving is seeming so real? Why is it that they have to tell me these things before I leave? And why, WHY, must they be the ones to drive away without ME?

This would be so much easier if I could just fly...but no, it won't happen, unless by a miracle. (God?! Can you help me out here?!)

*sigh* I know its going to be ok in the end. I just want to get the goodbyes and see you laters over with. I am more than ready to move on. It's time for me to go and discover exactly who I am apart from this cute, wonderful, little river town. Please God, let the days go by faster!!! It's time, it is so past time, so let's go...

I'm ready to FLY

PART 2--Bearing My Cross

While sitting in the grass having my quiet time, staring at the HUGE trees and ever expansive mountians and valleys, I felt so small. I began to think of where God was leading me and what He was calling me to. I began to feel the weight of it all.

Missionary...that calling to me is HUGE so huge in fact that I was brought to tears. I can't understand WHY God would choose me to do this. It's not that I'm not excited or anything, its just so much bigger than I can handle...but God reassured me, like He always does. Reminding me that I can NOT handle this ALONE, if I try and do this on my own I will fail, but with Him and by His strength I can do this.

He doesn't give me more than I can handle with and through Him. And that is so refreshing that I can lay even the calling that He has placed on me, at His feet. Free to lay every part of me down, to actually let go completely. And rely 100% on Him.

Sometimes it takes a Mountain to Move Me (PART 1)

I spent the last 2 days in the woods by a lake camping with Samantha and her parents. The experience was indescribable but I will try to tell you all about it. It was a lot so I am making this a series :) This is part one. Forgive me if this is not sequencial, I want to start with the biggest things first.

Samantha and I were playing on the empty playground taking loads of pictures. Samantha took a moment to think and look out on the lake. I planted my behind on the opposite end of the playground by the top of the slide to pray and think. I began to think of the conversation she and I had earlier about my emotional eating. I didn't really know why I did it or when it started. So I sat and thought about it, my mind wondered and I began thinking about the yellow safety bars in front of me that look like this...

I realized how much they looked like a jail, holding me back from what I desire, what I am capable of. Then I made the connection...my addiction to food was keeping me in bondage. I wanted to know why and where it started. And I told God I wasn't leaving that spot until He showed me exactly why I had ended up here.

In a matter of seconds it became painfully, and horibbly clear to me. I went back to 7th grade and remembered the attention I got which was mainly negative and unwanted. It was then that I decided (subconsiously?) that it was better to run away to food and hide behind my weight, to make myself invisable so that I could keep people out, protect myself from getting hurt all over again. It was better to be the fat girl than the one getting hurt all the time, if they didn't notice me or didn't get close to me or didn't accept me, because of my weight, then I could be safe.

Samantha came up the steps (she had just had her own God experience that was beautiful to witness but thats in part 2) as I struggled to keep it together, she looked me right in the eyes and didn't have to say a word, she wrapped me in her arms and I began to sob uncontrollably as I was flooded with the raw emotion I had been supressing for almost 7 years. Long, hard, deep sobs shook my body, as I mourned for myself and for the wounds that I had buried deep within me.

We both ended up sobbing in each others arms on that playground. We both learned to let go to lay down our "control" and to trust God even in our fear. This was just one of the AMAZING God breathed experiences that we had together. Being in the midst of God's creation has never before possessed so much power and awe. To render me speechless in the presence of God because of the geat realization that these mountains, hills, valleys, and fields praise and glorify God so much louder and greater than any words and sentences I could ever form.

"Humbled by your majesty

Covered by Your grace so free

Singing Majesty...Majesty"

~standing on His Promise~

CaseyMay

2 months and counting....

Today I talked to my mom about how exactly I am getting to Minnesota in less than 2 months. She is set on driving and taking my sisters. I am not too happy about this, but as our conversation proved, I don't have a choice. My dad asked me to think about how my mom is feeling right now, I am the first one to leave and its not just that fact that I'm moving out, its the physical distance of it all.

My mom has to deal with that but so do I, and I am the one leaving, which means I have to say goodbye or as some of you say, "see you later". But for me "see you later" is in a few days, not a few months. My parents aren't making this any easier for me, they are telling me on a daily basis how much time I don't spend with them and how much I am going to miss them. Its like they are trying to make me feel guilty! I am honestly trying to spend more time with them but when they say things like that, it makes me want to leave again. It is going to be so hard for me to leave them, they are all I have known for the last 20 years of my life!

I may be pretending right now that I'm going to be ok, but the truth is I am going to cry like a baby. I am on the verge of tears right now just thinking about it.

Don't get me wrong, I know that I am following God's plan, but He also said it wouldn't be easy...but it'd be worth it. I read this verse this morning and I just remembered it :)

"And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or farms for My name's sake, will receive many times as much, and will inherit eternal life"

Matthew 19:29

Nine weeks...thats all I have left. In exactly nine weeks, I will watch my family drive away and I won't see them for atleast four months...

*deep breath*

~standing on His Promise~

CaseyMay

Child-likeness

I am filled with childlike joy. For many different reasons.
I just finished watching Kung Fu Panda for the 2nd time. I LOVE THAT MOVIE. In fact, I laughed harder the second time. I went with my mentoree and she wanted to know what had gotten into me. So as I drove home I thought about that.

I am so content right now, I have few worries or stresses (with the exception of work, but thats a different story). I feel like a kid after Christmas. I have been SO blessed. This past year has changed my life in a radical way. God has been so faithful to His promises (there are so many!). I have a great (I mean GREAT) family, I have my best friend for LIFE, I have a job I love (for the most part), I have a great church family, I have you, I am going on a mission trip, I am going to the Honor Academy, I have made an IMPACT on people, I have learned patience, and to trust in God. Oh my word, how can I not rejoice??!!

This journey has been so awesome. I would like to give you a brief look at it :)

January 2008
---------I made a commitment to God to put Him first and do things His way and He promised that if I did that, this would be the best year of my life.


--------I confided in Samantha that I felt God leading me towards missions and I thought I was crazy, but we began to pray about it together, as well as the opportunity for me to go on a mission


--------I attended a concert featuring Pocket Full of Rocks, and was brought to my knees by God, it was there with arms stretched out, through my tears, I realized that I had to surrender everything, which seemed so small in comparison to what God has done for me, yet it was so huge, but so worth it.


-------My youth pastor approached me and told me God told him to ask me to come with them to Mexico in July. I tell my family and then ask God to affirm this to me financially.

February
---I begin sending out my support letters for my mission trip

March
-------God provides the last of the $1400 needed for my mission trip.

April
----I begin to invest and pray for my core group of 7th grade girls and see the fruits.

----Aquire the Fire. I see my girls bond and support eachother. I'm not needed and I had never been more proud. After we got back the girls grew so much in the Lord.

------God asks me to search my heart in my education, I do, and find that I'm not where God wants me. I begin to search and pray for another school.

May

-----I apply to the Honor Academy in Minnesota.

you're pretty much caught up and I left out a lot. But there was many times throughout this journey that I doubted. I doubted God's voice, and often wondered if I was doing the right thing. Turns out, I was following God's plan all along.

I am a child of God. And He is my Provider, my Rock, my Savior, my God, my Father, my I Am.

I am because He is.

I am nothing

made something only through Him

~standing on His Promise~

CaseyMay

Praise and Prayer Request

I GOT INTO THE HONOR ACADEMY!!!! IT'S OFFICIAL!!!

I leave August 12th for Minnesota, my mom wants to take my sisters with us and it will take about 2 1/2 days to get there. I need to be there August 15.

I feel so relieved! Thank you all for praying about this with me, my next step is to raise financial support but I have complete trust in God's provision.

I would like to ask you all to pray for Samantha. She is feeling down and needs some prayer (hopefully she's ok with me asking...).

So just wanted to update you and ask for your prayers. I will post more soon!

~standing on His Promise~

CaseyMay

songs and gifts

These are a few songs "I" wrote, God really gets the credit He gave them to me. Don't know why He did considering I don't sing or play instruments but I wanted to share them with you all.


The song WHY was written shortly after a classmate's father took his life, leaving his son, daughter and wife to deal with unanswered questions.

WHY

(chorus)

Why did you have to go

there's so much i need to know

All i have left are memories

and one little note that you wrote me

(verse 1)

Was it something i did or something i said

was there no other way to stop the pain

could it be that your love for me was not enough

Why did you have to go
there's so much i need to know
All i have left are memories
and one little note that you wrote me

(verse 2)

what was it that you couldn't live through

what about those you left behind

did you think that we could just move on without you

Why did you have to go
there's so much i need to know
All i have left are memories
and one little note that you wrote me

(bridge?)

Who will walk me down the isle

who will chase away my fears

who will heal my broken heart

who will wipe away my tears

Oh daddy, Why did you have to go
there's so much i need to know
All i have left are memories
and one little note that you wrote me

This next song was written at 3am, I shot up out of bed and wrote down the song in my head. Definitely a God thing.

ONE NIGHT LAST MONTH

(intro)

Went down to the clinic today

one night last month i gave myself away

never been so afraid of a test before

(verse 1)

How do i carry for 9 months

look into its eyes and say good-bye

i hope you have a much better life

(chorus)

Why does this have to be so hard

why'd i choose to go that far

and what am i supposed to do now

(verse 2)

What if i do the unthinkable

because I'm so afraid of what they'll say

the christian life i used to lead

is now just hypocrisy

Why does this have to be so hard
why'd i choose to go that far
and what am i supposed to do now

(Bridge?)

when i tell him what will he say?

its not his there's just no way

and i'll just have to figure it out

Why does this have to be so hard
why'd i choose to go that far
and what am i supposed to do now

went down to the clinic today

one night last month I gave myself away

Never been so afraid of a test before

These song are in no way professional but I really believe that some day God is going to use them to touch someone. I also believe that one reason I wrote these songs was because I have the spiritual gift of mercy.

"The gift of Mercy: the special gift where by the Spirit enables certain Christians to feel exceptional empathy and compassion for those who are suffering so that they can devote large amounts of time and energy to alleviate it.

This ability to empathize with hurting people manifests itself into cheerful acts of service. The believer feels deeply for those with physical, spiritual or emotional needs and is motivated to take action to meet the needs.

The actions taken reflect Christ’s love.The Greek word for “mercy” (eleos) means “to show compassion,” or “to feel sympathy of heart.” This gift is characterized by the ability to suffer alongside the person in pain, in a sense to feel the pain with them and to want to help them bear it.
This extraordinary gift enables the believer to feel a deep compassion that transcends natural Christian caring and to minister to hurting people in a cheerful and sustained manner.
The person with the gift of mercy will be drawn to exercise it among the needy, ill, the mentally impaired, the handicapped, shut-ins, imprisoned, bereaved, lonely, and others in troubled situations.

It is revealed in the person’s being able to serve in the presence of human misery such as is so often seen among the poor, the sad, the afflicted and the abandoned."

http://synodresourcecenter.org/stew/personal_stewardship/spiritual_gifts/0002/mercy.html

Yep, thats my number 1 gift and (fortunately?) it shows. I am the one who helps at funerals, who takes on the burdens of those around me, who desperately wants to make the hurt go away because I can feel it, just like they can. Only I can express it when sometimes they can't or don't know how. I can be a voice, their voice.
I can be His arms, giving them His hugs, shedding His tears, showing His love, and lightening their load by bearing their burden with Him. This gift is not easy and to be honest their have been times where I have hated it, really hated it. But in this moment, I understand why I have it, and why its needed.

Thank you for reading all of this! I hope it made sense, some times they don't and thats ok too.

~standing on His Promise~

CaseyMay