Mexico PART 1

Hey everyone! I got back from Mexico at 3 am this morning. What an experience, I must say words and pictures do not do it any justice. This will have to be a series because it was so complex and filled with emotions.

This was my first time on a airplane! But I must say it was a very good experience, the view was amazing!

The first day(monday) was mainly a travel day we left town at 2:30 AM and arrived in Mexico at 5:05 pm. Mexico is so humid! It's like a sauna! From there we went to the church where we ate dinner and got our "orientation" so to speak. It was a LONG day to say the least.

Tuesday we got the opportunity to go to the dump and pass out bags of food to the people that lived there. I forgot to bring my camera but the poverty in that area was unbelievable. After passing out the bags we did a children's program and then played with kids. They had nothing, yet they were so happy! It was so amazing.

I had the opportunity to call home Tuesday morning, it had only been a day and I already missed them. As I talked to them on the phone I realized that this is what it was going to be like. Limited to phone calls for communication. I wish they could have been there. I went and sat on the beach Monday night and I so wished that Samantha was there to experience it in with me.

That night we opened the session with worship and I knew that there was something in the way between me and God. I began to pray and ask God to show me what it was. And of course, He did. I had to take a hard look in the mirror and I did not like it.

I was angry. VERY angry. I was mad at God because He was asking me to leave the people I love the most. As my true feelings started to surface I began to tear up, quickly wiping away the tears of hurt feelings and anger, worship ended and our speaker started. Glenn started talking about community, and that we need 3 things to strengthen us. A mentor, an Accountablity partner, and a family (paraphrase). All those things that I currently have. That just made me more upset. I was sitting in a room with 100 othe people and I felt so alone, so completely alone. A minute after I thought that, Glenn said "Have you ever been in a room full of people and felt completely alone? Maybe some of you feel that way right now..." That did me in, tears roled down my cheeks and I tried so hard to keep it together.

Lara(see pic) saw that I was having some trouble and moved her chair next to mine. She put her arm around me and I put my head on her shoulder. She asked me if I wanted to talk and have her pray for me. We got up and walked to the back of the room, by this time I was sobbing. We sat on the couch and I started to pour out my heart. I was angry and mad that God ask me to leave my community, and the people I love the most. And I felt guilty for feeling that way and it's just not fair. She held me and encouraged me reminding me that its ok to feel that way and that God has promised to take care of me. She let me cry my heart out, which was something I had been needing to do for a long time. I told her of my feelings with my parents and the hurt I experienced before I left. After talking and praying we met our group and they also wanted to pray for me. They put a chair in the middle of the circle and laid hands on me and began to pray over me. It was then that I felt the peace and the mending of my broken heart begin.

When I asked God to break my heart into 85 million pieces, I didn't think that was His plan. My heart was broken, for my family, but mostly for Samantha. The thought of not being able to share (physically) the most important experiences of my life with her really upset me. Not being able to have her sitting next to me on the beach as we watch the waves crash against the sand, not having a 1 minute drive to her house to escape, not getting amazing hugs that squeeze the breathe out of me, not having her to cry with or to pray with or to just be with.

But God gently reminds me that there will be a blessing if I can just keep running towards Him and His voice and that He promises to take care of both of us and make a way for us to grow even closer despite the difference.

~standing on His Promise~

CaseyMay

Off to Mexico

I'm leaving in a few hours for Mexico! Please keep me and my team in your prayer as we go and be the hands and feet of Jesus, we'll be back in 6 days

Until then.....

~standing on His Promises~
CaseyMay

Running the Race

So....I have started running with Samantha & its going better than I thought. I haven't been in too much pain just some soreness.


Well today we went running for the 2nd time and I was dragging-my legs were sore and my lungs were tight. I was slightly frustrated that I wasn't doing as well as I did the first time but Samantha was very encouraging and we kept going. On our 4th lap she sat out because she had a blister but told me that I needed to do one more lap-by myself.


I was not excited to be running by myself. So I began to pray for strength because I wanted to finish strong. So I started out slow and began to keep pushing harder. I remembered the verse I used when I spoke on patience at our women's retreat.
Hebrews 10:36

On the last leg of the race I had to pray and push a lot,my legs screamed in pain and my lungs burned, but I had to finish I couldn't give up. So I pushed myself as hard as I could and when I crossed the line I broke down and sobbed.



Hebrews 10:36
Patient endurance is what you need now so that you will continue to do the will of God, then you will receive all that He has promised.


Right now I am on my last leg of this season or chapter. And its hard. I'm tired and with all I am I don't want to finish. You've 'heard' me say it before. I'm not strong enough to move away. And just like that last lap I didn't want to do it and I wasn't strong enough to do it alone.


Right then God forced me to face my fear and raw emotions and the one word that can stop me in my tracks.


ALONE


I sobbed in Samantha's arms for a few minutes and she wisely told me that I needed to just let it all out to God. But I hate doing that. I did it anyway though. I got home and got in the shower and cried so hard there were hardly any tears. I was angry and upset that God would choose to have me leave behind everything and everyone that I love. And that He would have me go out into the world alone.

After I calmed down a little bit and paused to listen to God; I heard Him say,

"Casey, I will never leave you or forsake you. I love you.

I will be with you every step of the way."

That was a good thing to hear but I asked probably 20 times, "God do you promise? Promise me that you won't ever leave me alone, please Jesus, promise me? Because I can't do this by myself. I can't leave my family and my best friend with out you being my strength and promising to never leave me. Jesus do you promise?!?"

"Yes Casey. I promise. I will NEVER leave you."

~standing on His Promise~

CaseyMay

What can I do in 30 days?

30 days.

That's all I have left in this small little river town. One question keeps resurfacing in my mind and pulls on my heart:

What will you do with the time that's left?

That reminds me of a song by Mark Shultz

What will you do with the time that's left?
Will you live it all with no regret?
Will they say that you loved till your final breath?
What will you do with the time that's left?

Chorus:Oh hallelujah, oh hallelujah
Hallelujah, amen

And what will you with the time that's past?

Oh and all the pain that seems to last?

Can you give it to Jesus and not look back?

What will you do with the time that's past?

Chorus

And what will He say when your time has come?

And He takes you into His arms of love

With tears in His eyes will He say "well done"?

What will you say when your time has come?

What will I do in my last 30 days?

Will I impact a life for God's glory?

Will I cherish the people I love?

Will I live with no regrets?

Will I make memories?

Will I love LOVE?

Yes.

The next 30 days will undoubtedly go by way too fast (especially after I come home from Mexico) but I know that I am doing God's will and yes its scary but it is going to be so worth it!

So for the next 30 days I will live LOVE.

it's not goodbye. It's see you soon.

~standing on His Promise~

CaseyMay

It's Going to be OK

I first must apologize for seeming a little crazy. The past week or so has been an emotional one and has taken its toll.

But I can finally say truthfully:

It's going to be ok.

Yes leaving will be hard and sad and scary. But it would be worse to not follow God's calling.

God has called me to Texas. I must go and leaving is not a bad thing.

Life will go on without me and that is ok. My family will be fine. My core group will have a new leader they can trust. My Sunday school class with have a great teacher. My best friend will still be my best friend, always.

I will meet new people-likeminded people. I will get opportunities of a lifetime and the chance to grow radically deeper in my relationship with God.

It's all going to be ok. :)

~standing on His Promise~

CaseyMay

I'm crumbling

I am falling apart and I don't know how to stop it.

So many intense emotions....and yet they are hidden behind a cracking mask, and no once seems to see just how broken I really am.

muffin.

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I bought my plane ticket today. It's offical I am leaving and I'm just now starting to realize what that means. I will no longer have my family, my best friend, my church family, or my job. I will have no one but me and God. I will have to start over in a new place, with new people and the same old me. I don't know that I am ready to do that or that I am strong enough to do that.

My home will no longer be my home.

This town, the same place that suffocates me and holds me back, also sustains me. Can I live apart from it? Yes. Will it be easy? Not at all.

My parents have never left this place (not for long at least) they don't understand what I'm going through.

I will have to say goodbye in about a month and won't see them again until Christmas. I have never known anything but this all my life. It's time for me to go but I find myself wanting to stay in this mediocre way of life. Yet I know there is SO much more out there and so much more of me left to discover.

I don't know how to handle these emotions anymore.

Breathe

I can finally breathe. Thank God for my best friend. Who knew crumbling into 85 million pieces could feel so good? Screaming at the top of your lungs over the valley feels even better...

Change AGAIN

So I just found out that I will be attending the Honor Academy in Texas because they have chosen to close the Minnesota campus for the time being. Unexpected is an understatement. But it will be ok. :)

So if you could pray about that it would be great. I am still following God's plan. Now we just have to figure out how I'm getting there.

what is going on

why are things so incredibly messed up right now.....

grr

interesting

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This seem to be the heartbeat of my mood...

There was good and bad today. Got to spend some good wholesome fun time with the boy. :) (as friends of course!) But then the parents happened. I love them but they are not making this any easier. So for now, this is the heartbeat...

Let Go

Happy 4th everyone! Ok so this post is going to have a few topics, that may or may not make sense.
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Happy 4th of July! I hope you all had a great fun day celebrating our freedom not only as American's but as Christ followers as well. Freedom has a high price.

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So, right now in this very moment, I am feeling quite sad. I have roughly 4 weeks left, I have so much to do and not enough time to do it and what's worse is that I am grieving already for what I will lose in 4 weeks. I have gotten so very close to the girls I mentor, one in particular, Mara. I have been there for her through very hard times, like the one she is currently in. She's like a little sister to me and though its my prayer that my replacement (who I trust A LOT) will love her and the other girls more than I have, I'm worried that won't happen and they'll fall through the cracks. I will leave my best friend, who needs to know so much more about how she has impacted my life everyday. I am leaving my job, which I love. My family, who is sadly getting the short end of the stick lately, more than they know. And for all the other people in my life that I am some how letting down by leaving.
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The boy. eegghh. He is no longer a problem. It's a really long story. So here's the very very short version. He and I are really good freinds. Earlier this week I found out he was 'dating' someone for three months and they were talking about marriage. As one of his best friends I was very angery that I had no prior knowledge about this. I asked him to tell me what led him to this point and why he didn't tell me. Well the truth came out! He told me that he had feelings for me and back in January was going to pursue me but I told him that God was leading me to someone else before he could ask. So after being "shut down" by me, he rekindles a 'romance' (she lives 6 hrs away they've gone out once) with an ex-girlfriend from like 2-3 years ago. They both rush into things and begin to talk about getting married. Now I'm in the picture again. The next time we're together we are volunteering at a firework stand fundraiser and we flirted like 13 year olds! I then realized that I have some deep rooted attention addictions and in all honesty would have done something incredibly stupid has youth not been around. So after I get my head on straight, I see what an idiot I am and that his boundries were easily discarded when I pushed them. Not good. He tells me he wants me to pray about our 'relationship'(?????!!!!!?!?!) that we could have until I leave. I do pray and realize that this is an intentional assault by the Enemy because this would screw up everything. I tell him all this last night, we talked, argued, and talked some more. The poor guy I don't think gets it, if he wants to wait 2 years, fine by me, but I'm making no promises. (ok so maybe its not so short?!?!)
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I'm exhausted, drained, and in need of God to break me and force me to let go.
eeeeeggggghhhhhh

~standing on His Promise~
CaseyMay

ummm??????

I think he's a wolf in sheep's clothing or a knight in shining armor

I think he's in love with the idea of loving me or is it really love?

I think I may risk doing something really really stupid

I think I like the idea of loving him for now

I think this is uncharted territory

But I like what he gives me

I can't trust myself now

But I can trust him

I think anyway

I don't know

what to

do

?

At DragonFly's Request :)

At Dragonfly's request I will tell you more about all my special-ness. :)
SO...I have no toes....

I have no toes because of a birth defect, I can walk but running is something that is not easy for me.

I also am missing fingers (on one hand) from the same birth defect. I'm not gonna lie I can pretty much to anything that you ten fingered people can :) LOL

Oh and by the way I make jokes all the time about my lack of fingers and toes, so don't be suprised and please feel free to laugh!! I wouldn't tell them if I didn't want you to laugh. :)

I am also a triplet, we were born 3months premature and weighed a little over 2 pounds. This is us (taken a few years ago and the one on the far right is my lil sis)

So there's a little more detail about my special-ness! :D If you have questions please feel free to ask!!!

~standing on His Promise~

CaseyMay